Quite comical really....

This evening, as we sat down as a family to eat dinner, I tried to engage my three-year-old in conversation about Pesach. Purim was such an anti-climactic experience - Eliana was crying most of the day, she didn't quite get the concept of reciprocating when it came to Mishloach Manot - I thought it would be smart to get her in the Pesach spirit ahead of time. I asked her what she had learned in Gan about Pesach - it better be extremely profound for 2000 shekel a month, I thought to myself - and she replied, tilting her head to one side, "I don't know."

Not one to be deterred, I pressed her further. "Did they talk to you, sweetie, about what happened to the Yehudim (Jews) in Mitzrayim (Egypt)?" Bingo. I had used the correct targeted keywords. Her eyes widened and her expression became animated.

"Yes, Mummy, Tzvika [the ganenet's husband - don't ask - it's a really long story - if you really want to know why the ganenet's husband was doing his wife's job, send me an email and I will explain] told us that Haman HaRasha (Haman, the wicked one) was a really naughty man, and all the peoples were so scared!"

Josh responded, "No, honey, that's a different chag (festival)! On Pesach, the Jewish people are scared of Pharaoh!" That basically summed up in a nutshell our experience as the Jewish people. We go from one baddy to another!

One-time offer

OK, so I have been writing this blog now for just under a month, and I am trying not to be too despondent over the fact that barely anyone leaves me comments. In spam terms, I am very popular. I received 30 comments the other day. But sadly that's as far as it goes. Granted, patience has never been a particular virtue of mine, and as my husband always tells me, I seem to enjoy monologues, but still the silence is slightly unnerving.

I am therefore making the following offer to the first five fellow bloggers and readers: Comment on any of my posts and I will edit 100 words of your choice. No poetry or science fiction, though. Read more about my thoughts about poetry here.

Yes, this is a rather sad and desperate measure on my part, but hey, I am up to my neck in work as it is - what's another 500 words?

Let the fun begin.

If I could turn back time...

I would never have bought the Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffeneger. I had high hopes for this book, and actually bought two copies of it before I even began reading it.

I first purchased the book exactly two years ago.  I was in Ben Gurion Airport on my way to London, and overcome by the excitement of travel and the "anything-could-happen-at-any-moment " buzz I always feel when I am in the airport, I fell in love with the title and decided to splash out and treat myself to this book.

Well, to cut a long story short, I can't EVER read on planes due to nausea and the joys of supervising two young children (not necessarily in that order), and didn't have a second to read while I was in London. I ended up leaving the  book at my sister's friend's house, and only realized its absence when my sister called me up and told me that I had left it behind.

Well, I never did get that copy back, and, determined that my luck would change, bought the book again in Ben Gurion a year later on my way to the States. (When you're from England, and your spouse is from the States, vacations only ever happen in these two countries.)

I guess with such drama surrounding the purchase of the book itself, it stands to reason that the actual reading would be anti-climactic. I was not impressed. I had read some really positive reviews about the book - I had, after all, an entire year before purchasing copy # 2 to read up about it - and expected to be really wowed, but it's gotta be said, it was an extremely dull reading experience. There were very few redeeming features. The premise of the book was interesting - the aspect of time travel combined with a love story appealed to my romantic sensibilities - but the book itself put me to sleep. The plot felt contrived, the characters were pretentious, and the dialog was unforgivably tedious. I did make it through to the finishing line, but that was due to my determination not to have wasted $30 on two copies rather than tribute to the book itself. Anything positive to say about the book? Yes, it was a great sleep-inducer.

Something you don't see everyday in Modi'in

Just when we were beginning to say our final goodbyes to winter in Israel, G-d delivered a surprise. It hailed today. Yes, hail. Here's some pics of our backyard and my husband's hand. (You can't beat bumming around working from home - you get to take pics of your garden in the middle of the day.)

hail1
hail2

Just three days ago, it was 80 degrees outside - now it is snowing. No wonder I'm feeling sick. Oh well. The change in climate at least gives us Brits something to talk about.

Age is something that doesn't matter (unless you are a cheese) - Billie Burke

My sister is turning 40 today. It is so difficult for me to think of my sister who used to braid my hair as a child as being 40 years old. The phrase "over the hill" comes to mind.

In a year and a half from now, I will be turning 30. My in-laws both turned 60 last summer. My dad turned 70 last December.

Obsession with age is central to so many people's lives in Western society that it makes me wonder what kind of world it would be if a person's age was unknown and irrelevant. I can only imagine that it would be a vastly improved world. So much of our opinions about other people, and ourselves, are based on age.

You can be the smartest, most capable, person in the world for a job - but you're over 65? Sorry, we are looking for someone younger (who is more exploitable and doesn't demand such a high salary). Statistics reveal that US firms are 40% more likely to interview a younger job applicant than an older job applicant. It doesn't matter that your intelligence and vast experience makes you a far superior candidate. Age rears its ugly head on your resume, and you're suddenly rendered useless and irrelevant.

Another scenario: You're a beautiful woman, you're vivacious, you're smart and perceptive - you're over 30? No can do. I'm looking for a woman in her twenties. Yes, I know that you and I would make a great couple, but you are older than me, and I really can't date a woman in her thirties.

Superficial judgements such as the ones described above sound so pathetic and lame that it is hard to believe that society attaches such importance to a number. But it does. We all do.

A member of my extended family - who shall remain nameless if I value my life - is convinced that now she has turned 60, she may as well start preparing her last will and testament. She is too old to look after her grandchildren, too old to have fun, too old to have dreams.... And why? Because two digits are controlling her life.

We live out our fears, and as a result, age defines us. I really believe that if we were unaware of our age, we would live longer, we would look better, we would be HAPPIER, and we would be free from the shackles of prejudice and discrimination. The mind is extremely powerful and our deep-seated fears about our age color our perception about our abilities. Age makes us think old, act old, and diminishes our pleasure. How many times have we heard doctors tell older patients, "What can you expect at your age"? I rest my case. Old age becomes a curse rather than a blessing.

Adultism, jeunism, aldutocracy, gerontocracy, chronocentrism, pedophobia, ephebiphobia (try wrapping your tongue around that one on a Monday morning), gerentophobia - these are all terms that have seeped into the English language as a way to describe the many different types of discrimination towards age.

The answer? I'm not sure. But it wouldn't be such a bad thing if we were to revert to the customs of biblical times when not only were the elders tolerated, but revered.

Ten tips on how to turn a writer into a friend, not a foe

During the last seven years of my career, I have not only sharpened my skills as an editor, but I (believe that) I have become a more sensitive human being. 

I have worked with so many authors of different types and stripes that I have come to the realization that as much as it is my job to perfect and polish the text, it is equally my role to hold the writer's hand, so to speak, and guide him or her through the editing process. 

Writing a book is no mean feat, and revealing your writing - which often, directly or indirectly, exposes your innermost thoughts - to an anonymous editor who is itching to roll up his or her sleeves and take out the unforgiving red pen can be an extremely intimidating prospect.

On that note, implement the following pieces of advice, and you, too, will have your web page filled with glowing testimonials will achieve a harmonious working relationship with your client.

Are you ready?

 1. Meet the writer first. Ideally, you should try to meet your client before you begin the writing process. Nowadays email is the standard means of communication, but it is crucial that you start off on a more personal note. Your client will be entrusting his or her "baby" into your hands, so it is advisable that you meet face-to-face in order to build a rapport. While emails are useful and efficient, they can often be misinterpreted, and it is hard to "read" warmth from impersonal messages. If it is an impossibility for you to meet the writer, pick up the phone.

2. Be friendly. When you write emails to your clients, always try to start off on a light and friendly note. Here is a sample of such an email:

Dear Henry,

I hope you are well.

 I read through the first two chapters, and I have the following comments. Please see the attached document. If you have any questions, do not hesitate to ask.

Best regards,

Sorelle

3. Explain the process. Do not enter a project with the expectation that the writer is familiar with the editing process. Often writers have never worked with editors before, and are not familiar with Word and track changes. Before you begin editing, send the writer an email explaining to him or her (in a bulleted list) the process of editing, and ALWAYS stress at the end of such an email that if anything is unclear, he or she should not hesitate to ask you any questions. 

When working with a writer, your aim should not only be to dazzle him or her with your brilliance, but also to put him or her at ease. Presuming knowledge from clients is a big no-no, and can often end in tears. If you have a preferred method of working, such as always making a point of renaming drafts, make sure that you tell your client from word go about your preference.

4. Be positive. OK, you have read through the manuscript, and it is going to take a great deal of work and many mugs of coffee to get you through this project. Do not project frustration into your emails. You should adopt the attitude that this project is going to improve your editing skills, and will result in you becoming a sharper editor. When you write an email to the writer with your general comments, try to start the email on a positive note. (There has to be SOMETHING positive you can write about the manuscript, and writers really appreciate any positive feedback you can give them.)  

Even if you believe that the manuscript is in an appalling state, starting off your email with a message similar to the one below is only going to alienate the writer and put him or her on the defensive:

Hi John,

I have just finished reading the first five chapters. I am sorry to say that they are incomprehensible and poorly written. Much work is needed to make these chapters publishable.

Sorelle

No good. Try the following tactic:

Hi John,

I have just finished reading the first five chapters, and am attaching my general comments to this email. From what I have read so far, I believe that the book has a great deal of potential. I have outlined in my comments those issues that I feel need particular attention. Please let me know if you have any questions.

I am very much looking forward to working with you on this project.

Sincerely,

Sorelle

5. Consolidate your comments. If you have multiple comments about the work, it is better for you to write them up in a Word document, and attach them to the email. It is tedious for your client to scroll through an email with fifty points. An added advantage of such a method is that you have your saved file for your records. Emails can get lost.

6. Be clear. If you are inserting comments into the Word file, make sure to phrase your question or comment clearly, and write in full sentences. Don't fall into the trap of writing short comments that resemble text messages. It looks sloppy.

7. Be humble. The following point cannot be reiterated enough. Always make sure to stress to your client that your editing suggestions are exactly that, suggestions, and that ultimately any major editorial decisions are in the writer's hands. It is counter-productive to present your argument as an indisputable fact. I find that when I have given the writer the option of rejecting my comments, most times he or she will be more amenable to my suggestions.

8. Be organized. If you are working with a writer who is disorganized and sends you vague emails with vague responses to your questions, it is very important that you formulate your emails in such a way that he or she will be forced to answer your specific points. Number each of your points in a bulleted list, and end the point with a direct question that clearly requires a direct answer.

If the lines of communication seem to be broken, make a point of ending your emails with the following request:

"Please acknowledge that you have received this email."

9. Keep a list. Keep LOTS of lists. Always keep a running list of the issues that you discuss in your email correspondence with your client. Often interesting ideas will be suggested but sadly forgotten in the midst of more pressing issues, so it is extremely useful to have this list handy.

10. Be humble. Yes, I'm repeating myself. Being an editor requires humility. You are not competing against the writer, you are helping him or her. You are in effect finessing someone else's work for which you will not receive any credit (aside from a few complimentary words in the Acknowledgments, if you are lucky). If you cannot derive satisfaction from the fact that you have helped steer the writer towards an excellent final product, then you are in the wrong profession.   

From the mouths of babes

When Eliana, my three-year-old, returns from gan each day, she is always showing off a new look. Yesterday, she came home with her hair braided, and I was amazed that Eliana let her ganenet (kindergarten teacher) braid her hair, because at home she cannot stand still for two seconds before jumping up and down and remarking on some earth-shattering event - "Look, Mummy, Tzofi has taken out your wallet and is about to eat your money," or squeals like, "Aval [Hebrew for "but" - my daughter has yet to say one complete sentence that is either totally Hebrew or totally English. Ah, the joys of raising a bilingual child] Muuu-mmy, I don't want a braid, I want kemo [Hebrew for "like"] you have - I want to wear a bandana."

We remarked to Eliana how beautiful her braid was, and asked her who did it for her. She smiled coyly and answered "Sivan," her ganenet. Her smile said it all. I am an angel in gan - butter wouldn't melt in my mouth - but at home, don't mess with me or my hair. It suddenly occurred to Josh and I that we didn't know the word for "braid" in Hebrew, so we turned to our little angel in the back of the car, and without missing a beat, she enriched our Hebrew vocabulary and told us that "braid" is "tzama"(I think that's what she said). It is the wackiest feeling in the world when your three-year-old is more of an Israeli than you can ever hope to be, and even though I studied Modern Hebrew in school, am familiar with Hebrew literature and poetry (I still remember quotes from Bialik and Agnon that I memorized for my Modern Hebrew A' Level), she is teaching ME how to say words. I love it. My daughter, the Israeli. 

God is a Mob Boss

Posted by The Husband

If anyone is reading this blog then let me warn you that the following post will be heretical, heathenly, and hopefully, hilarious.

This weekend on shabbat, I was pondering the parashat hashavua and I decided that God has a lot in common with Tony Soprano. This (past) week's parasha was parashat Ki Tisa. In that portion of the Torah, there are a few passages that relate how God will punish the Nation of Israel if they do not follow His Law. Concurrently, though not on shabbat, I was reviewing the last season of The Sopranos in preparation for The Last season of The Sopranos which will return to television (and my computer) around the middle of April. For anyone unfamiliar with The Sopranos, the show is about a mob boss named Tony Soprano and his relationship with his family, therapist, and crew.

In the last episode that I watched, there was a side story about how one of Tony's front companies, Barone Sanitation, was being sold by the son of the owner. The owner had killed himself thereby passing on the business to his son. The son was never informed of his father's connection with organized crime and only wanted to sell the business for his mother. The part of the story that is germaine to this particular discussion is that the son gets involved in the shady business side of his father's business and ends up getting threatened, beaten, and then shaken down by one of Tony's own captains. Of course, at the same time, Tony is assuring the kid's mother that "nothing is going to happen to him, I swear."

So how is God like Tony Soprano? I'm glad you asked.

Go back a few thousand years. God does a favor for the Nation of Israel. They are slaves in Egypt and pretty miserable and God offers them a way out. "I'll take care of the Egyptians," says God, "and I will make a nation of you." Pretty good offer. "All you have to do," God says, putting His (figurative) arm around the pathetic slaves, "is promise to worship me and obey my laws."

Now the slaves, who probably were ready to do anything about that time, say, sure, what the hell, we'll obey, we'll listen, just get us the hell out of here. So God does. He sends a couple of His goons to break a few kneecaps, smash a few windows, and smite some firstborn sons. Israel rejoices and runs like hell to get out of Dodge. God sends one of his captains, Moses, to lead the newly freed slaves to the mountain of Sinai where God explains his business plan. Along the way, God gives the nation some seed money, in the form of manna, and helps them with some pesky legal troubles by splitting the Red Sea and drowning the opposing council.

God business plan is simple. "Here's My rules. 10 basic rules and 603 more to come. Follow the rules, do what I ask, and I'll protect you and make you prosperous. If you have a problem, don't take it to any other god. Don't go outside the family. Take it to me. I will take care of it. At some point in the future, I might ask you to do Me a favor. There's this nasty other family called the Amalekites who are trying to bust in on My action and I may need you to clean up that mess. Don't go to the cops, they won't help you. Other nations won't listen to you and will turn their hearts and hand against you. But I am your God. I will help you. I will make it alright. Of course, if you should happen to go against my wishes, I will smite you and your children and your children's children until you come back to Me and beg My forgiveness. But don't worry, I'm sure you are smart enough to do the Right thing."

So here we are, the children of the Nation of Israel who made a deal with God to protect and deliver them. God doesn't really talk to us anymore, but we're still obligated to Him. He hasn't done much in the protection racket lately, although occasionally He steps in and stops us from being totally annihilated. But we're still paying our dues and paying for the deal that our forebears made with God. And, according to the terms of the deal, if we don't kick up to the Big Boss, we are gonna wish we were never born.

The previous comments do not necessarily reflect the views of the management of Double Take. Thank you for your understanding.

Watch this space

In my absence (if I don't meet my deadlines this week, it will be cornflakes and pasta on the menu for a long time to come), my better half will be delighting you with his wit and banter.

For the record, I take no responsibility for his spelling, punctuation, or grammar. (You can't have everything in life.)